“Oh, no,” I whisper as I frantically try to type out a few
more words on my computer. “They are
coming.”
I had gotten up early, eager to write, but had been pulled
into the world of Facebook and Twitter for far too many precious minutes. I had wasted time, and now, just when I was
beginning to make progress on my manuscript, they were here.
“Mom, what’s for breakfast?”
My youngest is always
the first one up. As he rubs his sleepy
twelve year old eyes under his glasses, I hold up a finger to stop him.
“Just a minute, honey.
I’m almost done.”
My fingers move faster and faster, trying to get to the end
of the scene before my inspiration fails me and I forget the perfectly planned
moment I wanted to write.
My youngest child mutters something that sounds like, “Oh,
man,” and trudges to the kitchen.
I have been granted a reprieve. It lasts exactly two minutes.
“We don’t have anything to eat,” he calls from the
pantry. “Mom. Mom? Mom??!!”
I sigh. I have one
last chance. “Do you remember ‘The Hunger
Games’? Foraging is an important
survival skill. How long would Katniss
have survived if she couldn’t have hunted for squirrels and rodents?”
My unimpressed son stomps back to my desk, his cheeks still
pink from sleep and a definite scowl on his face. “I’m not eating squirrels and rodents.”
I give him my best and most encouraging smile. “But I bet you can make toast.”
He walks away saying something under his breath that sounds
a lot like, “This sucks,” but I choose to ignore it. I’ve bought a few more minutes.
“Mom, where is the toaster?”
I want to slam my face into my keyboard, but I resist the
urge. This is what summer vacation looks
like at my house.
Motherhood is a balancing act, a carefully orchestrated dance
that involves juggling your own needs with the needs of your children. We all need some time for ourselves (Calgon,
take me away!), but when you are a both writer and a mother, the need a few
quiet moments each day isn’t an occasional selfish luxury; it is critically
important.
I’ve learned a few things along the way. I have three very busy boys, aged nineteen,
fourteen and twelve. They are always
hungry. They create excessive amounts of
dirty, smelly clothing. They leave a
trail of debris wherever they go, but this is a fairly easy and pleasant time
in my mothering journey. Things weren’t
always this easy. I was nursing or
pregnant or caring for a sleepless infant for years and years. I once had toddlers pulling on my legs and
spilling apple juice on desk. I have
done a lot of writing with “Blues Clues” or “Barney” blaring in the background. It is so
much simpler now, but some careful planning is still very important to keep
everyone happy, healthy, fed, and productive.
1. Find
your time to write.
I am very lucky. I am a stay at home mom. Once the children go to school in the
morning, I have a solid block of beautiful, glorious, uninterrupted writing
time. But during summer vacation and
winter break, it isn’t that easy. I find
that if I wake up early, and write a few hours before anyone else wakes up,
everyone in the family is much happier (and able to eat breakfast). Some people are morning larks like me, others
are night owls. Find the writing time
that is best for you, and make it work.
2. Use your writing time for writing.
Social media is a necessary tool for
writers. My super, awesome, and
completely wonderful agent (Marlene Stringer of the Stringer Literary Agency),
created a private Facebook page for her writers. Every day she shares her knowledge and experience
with us by posting very useful information about writing and the publishing
industry. This is important stuff. Looking at photos of my friends’ children and
pets is not quite as important. Be
careful not to get sucked into the black hole of Facebook and
Twitter-land. During the precious hours (or
minutes) you have set aside for writing, focus on writing. That sounds easy, but it isn’t. The laundry is overflowing. Dishes need to be washed, and you can’t quite
remember the last time you dusted. But those
things can all be done when your children wake up – often, the writing cannot. Make it a sacred time, a time just for
writing and nothing else.
3. Plan
ahead.
My children come home every day at 3pm from
school. I always tell my husband that I
work the 3-11 shift. From the moment they get home, my official Mommy gig
starts and it doesn’t end until I fall exhausted into bed. Life is easier for everyone if I just line up
my ducks ahead of time. Every day I
start dinner (or at least planning dinner) at 2pm. This sounds ridiculously early, but at this
stage in our lives it is a necessity.
Each evening involves such a barrage of activities, from soccer to
tennis to rock band, that eating as soon as the children get home from school
has become our only option. Because my
husband travels for work, I am a solo parent most days, and often have to be
two places at once. Planning food and
rides and snacks ahead of time (and hopefully not leaving any children behind
when I carpool), is vital. I also plan
out errands and grocery shopping days so that I have more solid blocks of
writing time. A little organization goes
a long way.
4. Bring
your work with you.
Parents spend a lot of time waiting. I wait for soccer practice to be over. I wait for meetings to end after school. I wait in various places for my children to
be done with whatever it is they are doing.
I spend a great deal of time sitting in my car and staring at my
watch. I’ve learned to bring my laptop,
or at least a notebook, with me everywhere.
You just never know when you’ll have a few uninterrupted minutes (piano
lessons last thirty minutes – yippee!).
Take advantage of them, even if you are just staring into space and
dreaming up a new story.
5.
Stop feeling guilty.
I am of Italian and Catholic descent. I am very good at guilt. I dream of creating gourmet meals for my
family every day and living in a perfectly clean house. I also dream of writing really good books
that will touch, inspire, and (possibly) make people laugh. My children and my family always come first,
but my dreams are important, too. I’ve
heard my friends say they are a better mother when they are working, and I am
definitely a better mother when I am writing.
And I’ve realized the old saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody
happy,” is true (although the grammar makes me cringe). It’s better for everyone in your family if you
are doing what makes you happy.
6.
Let them be a part of it.
My children are a valuable resource for
me. They are my most honest
critics. I can tell as soon as I read
something to them whether they love it or hate it. They might try to be polite, but I can see it
in their eyes, and they are always right.
When it doesn’t work for them, I know it won’t work for others, but when
my story captures their attention and sparks their imagination, I know I’m onto
something good. Once, I was stuck on a
plot line. My youngest (the forager)
asked if he could help. I had my doubts,
but I explained my dilemma. He thought
about it for a few minutes, and then came up with the perfect solution. I think he was around nine years old at the
time. Sometimes a fresh set of eyes is
all you need, and if your children can feel like they are part of the process,
it is a wonderful thing for everyone.
7.
Don’t let others take your writing time
away.
As I said, I am lucky enough to be a stay
at home mom. This means I often get
pushed into volunteering for every committee known to man. Choose your activities wisely. Don’t become so busy that you stop making
time for your writing. Learn to say, “No,”
and practice doing it often. Every once
in a while, in a caffeine induced surge of optimism, I think I can chair
several committees, manage a soccer team, and host a sleepover for twenty
neighborhood children. I always regret
those decisions. If you pull yourself
too thin, you are going to snap – just like an old rubber band - and it hurts
when that happens. Know your limits
(both emotional and physical), and don’t forget limitations on your time, either.
It is a finite and precious resource.
I love being a mother, and I think I’m pretty good at it. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. I love being a writer, too, and thankfully I have a wonderful husband who supports my dreams and believes in me. Sometimes things go well, and sometimes they do not, but as your children get older, they really do get easier. I am in awe of the women who have full time jobs, itty bitty babies, and still manage to churn out great books. I imagine they must have a much higher level of energy or organization or drive than I do, but it is important not to compare yourself to other mothers or other writers. We are all just doing the best we can.
Now to help my twelve year old find the toaster, and teach him how to use it….
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